Why “Just Relax” Doesn’t Work for Us
How many of my military and first responder brothers and sisters have this problem?
You get off shift, or back from a high-stress day or trip, you're fried and exhausted...But you CAN'T TURN OFF? Does that sound familiar?
In high stress jobs we get really good at scanning, checking, and anticipating because that’s what keeps people alive. We constantly scan that mental checklist of ours for the 10-20 things we have to keep track of so no one gets hurt or dies. We keep running it again and again, because it keeps us and our buddies SAFE.
But here’s the deal. When that mental checklist suddenly has no job, the brain doesn’t just chill. It keeps running. Just like an engine that shifts into neutral on the highway, it actually revs FASTER when there's no tension on it.
Psychologists have a name for this pattern. Attentional Control Theory(Eysenck et al, 2007) explains how anxiety shifts your brain toward its default survival mode and makes it harder to stay focused on goal-directed stuff rather than threat signals. In other words, when anxiety is high the brain tends to stick with the attention style it knows best and has trouble shifting into calm presence.
So someone tells us after a tough shift to sit and breathe. But what we hear is "just stop being safe". That restlessness isn’t laziness. It isn’t just burnout. It’s a system that was trained for threat with nowhere to land. A lot of people reach for something that turns that noise down. A beer, the couch, our phones... whatever lets us escape the noise
Thats not us wanting to avoid our families or responsibilities, or intentionally trying to be an a-hole: Its a survival system looking for somewhere useful to put its energy.
One thing I’ve noticed when teaching people to fly fish is that it works because it gives the brain something meaningful to pay attention to. When Im out on the river, Im reading the water, feeling my casts, adjusting the mend, watching bugs hatch, noticing wind shifts, shadows, water temp, whether that fish can see me. There’s always something happening in the moment that holds my attention.
I get lost in that. I stay active all day and leave feeling physcially tired, but mentally like I'm "back to me" (more than once, my wife's "suggested" I go fishing....probanly so she didnt punch me in the face..lol). But sure enough, I'd come home and be myself again. How many of y'all have been under stress for so ling you almost forget that person you used to be?
This isnt necessarily a case for everyone to pick up a fly rod and recreate "A River Runs Through it"...(in fact, please don't...I love people, but not people stealing my water!lol..kidding)
What matters is the quality of your rest. The activities that really help people move out of hyper alert mode usually have a few things in common.
If you havent found something yet, here are some things to look for:
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•Something that grabs your attention into the present in a way that actually occupies the mind(i.e. something you actually LIKE to do..and makes focusing on it easy)
•Something that gives your brain something clear to focus on instead of that old checklist.(Ideally, it'll "kick the penguins off the iceberg", and you wont have the mental space to keep running that checklist)
•Something that involves sensory input or skill so you’re not just "doing nothing".
•Something with a feedback pattenrin them even if it’s simple (think "little victories"..which are dopamine hits).
Maybe for some people that looks like hiking or cycling. For others it’s working on cars, woodworking, playing music, martial arts, cooking, climbing, team sports, or something else. It can even be spiritual practices..Maybe reading a bible, praying, listening to worship music... The key isn’t the activity itself. The key is that it keeps your attention structured in real time and not just entertaining your anxiety.
This is also why mindfulness makes sense for this group. Mindfulness isn’t about sitting still until your brain finally shuts up. Mindfulness is about learning how to notice where your attention goes and then choose where it should be. That’s a skill. It isn’t a trick. Meditating gets a bad rep for being a bunch of hippies tripping out on empty minds...Its not that...its an active skillset that trains you to direct your attention to what you want vs letting it be pulled in 50 different directions.
My friend and brother Jon Macaskill is probably the most grounded and experienced mindfulness practioner I know. If you dont know where to get started, try his "Men Talking Mindfulness" podcast. Or just go out and try something. There's no one right answer...but if we dont give our brains something else interesting to focus on, it won't stop scanning, and we'll be stuck in that hyper-vigilance we live in. The question isn’t why we can’t relax, the question is what we can give the brain to attend to instead.
Final question: For those that have found something, help your buddies out on here! What's your go-to for getting out of "work mode"?
Source:
Eysenck, M. W., Derakshan, N., Santos, R., & Calvo, M. G. (2007). Anxiety and cognitive performance: Attentional control theory. Emotion, 7(2), 336–353. https://doi.org/10.1037/1528-3542.7.2.336
Ryan Padgett It’s a struggle to shift gears when you’ve been trained to be alert. That constant vigilance is a part of us. Finding outlets like music or nature can be transformative. Thank you for shedding light on this topic.
Take a walk in the woods, in a field, along the river, shore or meandering stream. Go find natural beauty and your attention/ task processing portions of the brain are kicked offline. Now, soak in it and practice gratitude. Walk in it. Sit in it. God’s creation is good for the mind, heart and soul. No equipment needed. Except maybe a camp chair. OUTDOOR IMMERSION
People who serve at that level don’t just switch off, because their nervous system’s been trained to protect, to scan, to respond. It’s not a mindset issue. It’s the cost of responsibility.
I wish there WAS a way to "turn it off" but just as you pointed out, that is not the reality. Being in a hypervigilant state is how we (military, law enforcement, first responders) stay alive. The unfortunate thing is that most seldom know how to shift focus, to turn that energy into something productive instead of self-destructive. For me, after a lifetime of service as a lifeguard as a teenager, a volunteer firefighter, a retired Army CWO, and a current EMS helicopter pilot, I shift focus by playing worship music on my guitar, or tying flies, or fly fishing, or practicing some basic yoga (breathwork and yoga nidra are my focus). I wish I would've learned how valuable these things were as a teenager, instead of as "a crusty, trusty Warrant Officer". Good thoughts.
Ryan Padgett Absolutely resonated with your article. I never served (my Father and Son did) yet I was CEO of an R&D company for 38 years. In that time it was constantly and intensely about being focused on managing the Team and Customers or fold the company and the Team is out of a job. Many always told me to "just relax" and have a sense of humor. Yeah, right. Doesn't happen when you actually give a crap about your Team and how much they helped build the very company you "lead". I looked up your reference to "Attentional Control Theory". On the money for high stress business folks as well as Service folks. Many thanks for writing this up so well! It helped even this old dog to learn something new and valuable.