On Criticism, and Surgery

Years ago, I had a mole on my back that was concerning and showed it to my doctor. She simply said, "Hmm, if its concerning, lets just remove it!" In a matter of a couple minutes, she'd prepped the area, numbed it, cut it out, and stitched it up. It probably took her all of 15 minutes from "OK" to finish, and I walked out of her office hardly having felt a thing. While it left a scar that I have today, her skill was what I remembered, and she potentially saved me from skin cancer in the process. Well, I had a reflection today on her tool, that simple but powerful scalpel, and thought I'd share it with you. Are scalpels a useful tool? Absolutely! The scalpel, in the hands of a skilled practictioner, has been responsible for the improved healing and survival of billions of people. The simple scalpel has become a cornerstone of modern medicine.

Is a scalpel also potentially dangerous? Incredibly so. Even in the hands of a skilled surgeon, a simple slip of the hand can result in a lot of damage, and can literally change the course of a patients(and doctors) life!

Now, heres my question for you: How would you feel if someone, untrained as a surgeon, came up to you and just started cutting into you to "fix something" they saw in you? Is that surgery, or assault?

I ask that question because just about every single one of us has done exactly that. And we do that in the form of criticism. How many times have we injected our opinions or criticism on another person(and generally, the closer the relationship, the more we feel we have the right to do this), without any sort of care or intention, guided by simple emotion. And how many times has that conversation done more harm than good? For those of us with military and first responder background, many of us almost take a perverse almost take perverse pleasure in "telling it like it is"(which is rarely accurate it we're honest), and treat yelling and criticizing as "tough love". But after 24 years in the military, I'm now wondering, is there a better way? Especially for us #transitioning out of these careers, we should take heed.

Is there a helpful place in the world for criticism? Absolutely! But if we actually want to do good and not harm, we can take some principles from surgery in how to approach criticizing others.

1. First, Do No Harm. The basis for the Hippocratic Oath applies here. Before you criticize someone for something, take a couple mindful seconds, minutes, or even hours and days to ask yourself WHY are you criticizing. Are you simply venting your frustration? Are you angry?(if so, wait) Is the person youre about to criticize really at fault? Do you have any fault in this? And most importantly, are you really doing to make a positive change, or to simply lay blame on someone else and feel the release of "speaking your mind"?

2. Plan it out. The bigger the problem, the more care and planning should go into it. Set a goal for it(what are you hoping to improve by this?), and make sure you have the parts and pieces in place to do it properly(this also lessens the likelihood you'll be lashing out in anger). Do you have a place to talk privately? Are you addressing the problem or the person? With that, make sure there isnt a less invasive way to take care of the problem.

3. OBTAIN CONSENT. Unless this person is your child or professional subordinate, you simply will not be effective if you dont have the persons consent. How do you get it? Well, if you have enough rapport, then you can simply ask if they have some time to talk about <insert here>. If yes, then great! If not, well, that means you probably shouldnt be the one doing it. Even if you DO have the authority to do this, consider doing what you can to get their consent anyways.Even if they wont like what you'll have to say, they're at least willing to listen. Dont blind side them!If its importent enough, you can address it with someone who DOES have rapport and/or authority to do it. Take care to not less your emotional state change the facts as you present them to the person or their boss/parent, etc.

4. Work with care. Make sure you give them an opportunity to share their side of the story as well. Stick to the point, get the message across as kindly and cleanly as possible, and keep it as short as practical. Criticizing someone is not your opportunity to vent your anger/wrath/personal issues to them. Use "I" statements, and address it to the extent that it affects YOU. They are NOT your therapist/pastor/friend/etc in the conversation. Dont get sidetracked.

5. Close the wound well. This doesnt mean criticism has to be pleasant. Odds are, it wont be. But make sure you end the conversation re-iterating that you value them as a person, that you simply want to correct the problem, and applogize for any wrong doing on your part. Dont be disingenuous about it; be realistic about what you hoped to accomplish. Then be ready to leave them alone if they need it.

6. After care. Most people wont take criticism with umbrage, so be prepared for some damage to your rapport. It may be unavoidable. Let them be angry, and if the time is ever right, maybe extend an olive branch(less is more here). Do something nice for them..Buy them a coffee, give them a smile...something that cant be construed as bringing it up again.

If you're not prepared with the skill, time, resources, or care to do it well, then perhaps you should let someone else do it, or just let it go.

Remember this: Surgery thats done without consent, skill, or care isnt surgery; It's assault.

Hopefully this will give you all some food for thought as you go about your day, and maybe it will help the next time youve got a bone to pick with someone, it might just come out a little better!

#mindfulness #criticism #communication #military #first responders Jon Macaskill Mary Polanco, MSSL Ericka Kelly, MBA, PMC Jason O. Harris Kristina Keenan Bold Face Fly Fishing Foundation Inc.(501c3) James S. Jones