Lost in Transit?

I have taken a break from corporate life, hoping to do something more socially impactful and soul fulfilling. At least that is what my conscious mind claims! The days begin in a relaxed fashion and the mind has all the time to wander and ponder. During one such meanderings, it paused to reflect on the current woes of a close friend. On the face of it, it is something very commonplace, but for lack of anything more urgent that needed my urgent attention, I tried to visualize the scenario and its preceding and following events.

So, the story goes like this. My friend’s boyfriend has disappeared on her. I ruled out kidnapping for ransom, coz he is online and reasonably active on WhatsApp and his phone works. So, he has specifically disappeared on her alone.

In the communication profession, we are taught early on that ‘the meaning of our communication is the response it gets’. So, what did my friend communicate, or was communicating all these days that finally pushed the guy away? Or, was her communication getting lost in transit? Like kids always misunderstand a mother’s love and worry as suffocating investigative shadowing.  Which brings one to ask, on whose shoulder does the responsibility of effective communication rest? Does it rest only on the communicator? Or can we nail the receiver with a similarly strong saying, “we see what we want to see”? Depending on the current frame of mind, a person can interpret any behavior in multiple ways. Therefore, I’d say interpretation also becomes as important in communication as conveying and listening. Probably, Interpretation rests under the Effective Listening umbrella, but I feel it deserves its own space.

Our reaction finally determines our response to any communication we receive. If we approach a matter from a position of Trust (or mistrust) in the other person, for example, it evokes a very different response than if we approach from a position of self-Doubt. It may further vary if we are driven by Emotional Insecurity or Insincerity, or, better still, Emotional Intelligence and Strength. And not to forget, our dear positions of Ego and Surrender :-).

So what decides the position from which we approach a matter? I feel part of it may be attributed to our past experiences; individuals finally are the product of their circumstances and experiences. We repeat behaviors that worked for us and avoid those that led us to trouble or rejection in the past. The remaining can be attributed to “what we want to see”. 

If I apply this theory to my friend, based on how either of them (let’s refer to them as Hero and Heroine for this case study) approached the relationship, so many possible indicators emerge, which they failed to either see or act upon:

• Hero never was very committed in the relationship. But, heroine failed to realize this and hence, is now surprised at the development. Blind Trust, Ego, Emotional Intelligence failure
• Hero never was that deeply into the relationship and heroine grasped that but tried to cling on. Doubt, Emotional insecurity or emotional Intelligence failure
• Hero did not like some things about the heroine or the relationship, but did not bring these up. Doubt, Emotional insecurity and lack of emotional strength.
• Heroine trusts her power of love and believes hero will come back. Trust and or Ego.
• Heroine tries to rethink where she went wrong, what did she do to push him away. If she becomes weepy or becomes an extension of the phone line to his number, then it is emotional insecurity. If she takes the lessons and moves on, then it is emotional strength to reflect.
• Heroine thinks, never mind, there are more fish in the pond. Ego, insincerity  or emotional intelligence
• Hero assumes the heroine’s commitment in the relationship to be weak and distances himself from possible hurt. Doubt.
• Heroine thinks all men are jerks. Emotional insecurity.
• Hero fell out of the romance, but was not able to communicate to the heroine. Emotional insecurity.
• Heroine thinks, well, so be it. It’s God’s will. Surrender.
• And many more such possibilities.

Action is the same – disappearance of the hero. Causes and reactions can be many. Timely and frank communication, feedback as we call it in corporate jargon, might have given a much happier conclusion to the relationship.

Now, it is up to my friend from which position she approaches this development and thereby, directs her future. Same thing I saw recently in the movie Focus (during a career break, one has all the time to catch up with the Netflix memberships), where Nicky (Will Smith) thinks Jess (Margot Robbie) has ditched him because it is 10 min over the decided meeting time, and starts to leave from his room with all the money, only to find her at the door. His career as a conman made him approach her absence from a position of mistrust.

How easily we can apply this to professional situations. An oddly worded email from the manager, or a trusted colleague not entertaining our request for help, a hike or promotion not coming our way even with all the events lining up correctly for it…In fact, any unanticipated event is either an outcome of a wrong position we adopted somewhere along the way or signs we missed seeing, but also equally an opportunity for choosing the approach that decides our response and correct our course.

The signs leading up to a situation are always there. Our mind reads them. Our intuition, our gut feeling, our emotional intelligence tells us if we ought to communicate more, or less, or if something seems amiss. But we do not pay heed sometimes or our assumptions override these signs. Of course, in hindsight, they are beacons of realization! But these beacons must shine at the right time. We’ve got to listen to our mind. It is human nature to approach anything initially from a position of trust. But, subsequently, we should not trust blindly, should not see what we want to see or what fits within our comfort zone. See what is really out there. Communicate – talk, listen, and interpret correctly. Reduce the chances of misery.

Maybe, when you next get time for a break, even if it is a short tea break :-), see if you can identify your positions in the relationships important to you.