The Intersection: The Tiny Word That Changes Everything

Welcome back to The Intersection. If you've ever caught yourself mid-sentence, wincing at a word you wish you could take back, this one's for you. Get your keys. We're getting ready to go.

The Map

I was in a meeting when I heard myself say it.

"I love this slide, but what story is this graph telling us?"

There it was. That tiny, sneaky word that unraveled everything that came before it. The person who created the slide only heard "but." Let's face it, the whole room only heard "but."

And in that moment, "I love this slide" disappeared. Entirely. All that landed was the question that sounded eerily like a critique.

This wasn't the first time. And it was the first time I'd noticed its impact on the faces of my team. The room went quiet, the mood of the leader (me) truly was setting the mood of the room. Simply because of one little 3-letter word.

Here's the thing: "but" is a conjunction. And it's not just any conjunction. It's specifically designed to connect two opposite things. When we use "but," we're signaling that whatever follows contradicts, negates, or diminishes whatever came before.

"Great work, but did you also consider other solutions?"

"We can absolutely do that, but how will we stay in budget?"

SIGH.

That's not how I want to show up for anyone. Ever. Our words matter. Whether we like it or not. And in that moment, I vowed to break a terrible habit.

The Traffic Jam

Picture yourself at a yield sign. You've got two things you want to say: something encouraging and something constructive. Both are true. Both deserve to arrive. And you're sitting there trying to figure out which one gets the right of way.

Here's what most of us do: we let the encouragement go first, then slam on the brakes with "but." We think we're being strategic. Lead with the positive, then pivot.

Except “but” doesn't manage the intersection. It backs up and runs right over the encouragement.

Think about it: when someone says "I appreciate your hard work, but..." do you remember the appreciation? Or are you already wincing, waiting to hear what you did wrong?

"But" trains people to ignore everything before it. It teaches us that the positive stuff is just throat-clearing before the real message arrives. Over time, even genuine compliments start to feel like a setup for criticism.

Most of the time, when I catch myself reaching for "but," the two things I'm connecting aren't actually opposites at all. I really do love the slide. AND I am curious about the graph. Both things are true. Both things matter. Neither one cancels out the other.

So why am I using a word that suggests they do?

The Alternate Route

Here's the reframe that changed everything for me: I chose "and" instead of "but" wherever I could.

I didn't always get it right. Many, many times I would catch myself out loud. A visible pause and audible reframe.

And that's okay, because here's the hidden game changer: in addition to replacing "but" with "and," I wanted to finish the entire sentence differently. I wanted to link two similar things together. Not opposites.

The next time you find yourself at this intersection, try this:

Instead of "Great work, but did you consider other solutions?" try "Great work, and I'm curious what other solutions you explored."

Instead of "I appreciate you, but we need to talk about this issue" try "I appreciate you, and I want to work through this together."

Instead of "That's a great idea, but it won't work here" try "That's a great idea, and here's what I'm thinking about how to adapt it."

More supportive. More collaborative. More accurate.

We don't have to get it right all the time. We don't have to banish "but" from our vocabulary entirely. (Sometimes things really are opposites!) We can simply start noticing. Start asking: are these two things actually in conflict, or am I simply in the habit of framing them that way?

If you're standing at your own intersection right now, consider this your permission slip. You don't need to overhaul your entire vocabulary overnight. You simply have an opportunity to notice the next "but" and ask yourself: is there an "and" hiding in there instead?

Small adjustments make a HUGE difference. In word, deed, and even in mindset. Give it a test drive. Let me know how it goes.

Something to Consider:

This month, listen to yourself. Correct yourself out loud if you can. Ask: are these things really opposites? What happens if I use "and" instead?

#DingDangDelightful Finds

This month I'm loving: my beloved DIY Influence community! A group of people who stopped yielding and started building something uniquely their own. Full time, part time, side hustle, all of it. No "but I'm not ready." No "but the timing isn't right." Just "and I'm on my way."

If you've been idling at your own intersection, DIY Influence is proof that you can start moving before you have the whole route mapped out. In DIY, we believe "Confidence is a Decision." The light is green. Please come join us! www.diyinfluence.com

✨The Intersection is for those of us who are done yielding and ready to rediscover our sparkle. Know someone who would want to come along for the ride? Subscribe, share, and send!