We all need someone to call us on our BS excuses. I recently did this for a client. The keys to doing it well are: 1) It has to be done from a true heart to help, not to criticize. I once heard this as "brutally honest people are usually more in it for the brutality than the honesty." I would go further and say, you need to be helpful as well as honest. 2) You need to have built a relationship of trust and helpfulness *before* you can really be direct. 3) Sometimes some "brutality" is necessary in order to be truly heard. Many (most?) people tend to shake off gentle messages. 4) We need this because life is hard and all of us get tired (lazy). The human animal is designed to conserve energy and look for shortcuts. It's a survival strategy. But sometimes it leads us to make excuses and perform poorly in a way that hurts us. At those points, we benefit from someone who calls us on it. Bonus tip: if you are going to call people out, you need to do your best at being good at taking it also. No one (including me) loves being called out. But I can take it from people who truly have my best interests at heart; who have proven it. Have at least one person in your life who will tell you truths you do not want to hear. Be this person for a few key others. Today is as good as any day to tell someone the truth they need to hear.
That line about brutal-honest folks being in it for the brutality is spot on. But point 3 worries me-if trust is real, you rarely need brutality at all. The "necessary edge" is often just ego leaking through.
It is easier to walk through life being brutally honest with others than with ourselves. Your guidelines for being brutally honest and seeking out someone who can be brutally honest really resonate. I’ve known a few who enjoy cruising through life being “brutally honest” who certainly don’t like receiving it. They believe they are being helpful but they are just being brutal (probably to feel better about themselves).
I have experienced this from a person I’d like to think of as a narcissist and that wasn’t helpful: they used bittlement, verbal abuse, talking disrespectfully to make their point. This completely sidelined what they actually wanted to tell and what their point was because all the focus on the huge amount of hurt they’ve caused. There was also no trust built. It caused me cutting that person away from my life and it was necessary for my mental health
Most people don't resist the truth. They resist what acting on it will cost them. And direct feedback usually fails because it ignores how people are wired to move. Most "call them on their BS" advice assumes the person is avoiding the truth. Often they aren't. They already know it. What they're avoiding is the cost of acting on it. Because accepting the truth sometimes means admitting a strategy they've invested years in isn't working. It means - disrupting a relationship that gives them safety - releasing an identity that still earns validation Some people move when - they see what staying the same will cost them - they see what changing makes possible. Most who give direct feedback use whichever frame feels natural to them. Not the one that actually lands for the other person. That's why some feedback creates movement. The harder skill isn't being direct. It's knowing whether the excuse protects laziness... or something they haven't yet found a replacement for.
Ethan, that second point about building relationship equity first is the absolute foundation. If you try to deliver a harsh truth before you’ve proven that you actually care about that person's success, they will immediately go on the defensive and tune you out.
Direct feedback only works when the relationship has enough proof behind it. Without trust, honesty sounds like status instead of help.
I have experienced this from a person I’d like to think of as a narcissist and that wasn’t helpful: they used belittling, verbal abuse, talking disrespectfully to make their point. This completely sidelined what they actually wanted to tell, why and what their point was because all the focus on the huge amount of hurt they’ve caused. There was also no trust built. It caused me cutting that person away from my life and it was necessary for my mental health
Ethan Evans, I had a dear friend and mentor who had a sign in her office that read, "Say what you mean. Mean what you say. But don't say it mean." She was also the one who would occasionally start with, "You know I love you, right?" Then she'd tell me the thing I needed to hear and that opening always gave me that moment to emotionally prepare for it.
I would describe what I do as being blunt. But when people are fighting you to stay in their comfort zone, they might label it brutality. The problem is that if you reduce your sense of urgency and adamancy, you risk the person dismissing you. It is a fine line that takes skill to find.
You were brutally honest with me when I made a comment on one of your posts and made a spelling mistake, and you laughed at it. Now I’m being brutally honest with you that your comment was mean spirited and you should be ashamed of yourself for posting it.