Self-Reflection in Communication

"𝗪𝗵𝘆 𝗗𝗼 𝗪𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗻 𝗮𝘁 𝗪𝗼𝗿𝗸 𝗔𝗹𝘄𝗮𝘆𝘀 𝗗𝗶𝘀𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝗠𝗲?" That was the opening line of a letter I read recently. A man, writing with confusion and hurt, described how things repeatedly went wrong with women bosses. Irritation would build, misunderstandings would multiply, and eventually, he'd find himself fired. He wondered if it was his race, his cultural background (where men traditionally dominate), or simply bad luck. I've heard variations of this story - and not just from men. What I've consistently noticed as a leader and a coach is that these situations feature plenty of finger-pointing but minimal self-reflection. Research shows that 𝟳𝟱% of workplace conflicts stem from communication breakdowns, not actual disagreements about goals or values. When we feel misunderstood, our default is to blame others rather than examine our own communication patterns. When patterns repeat across different environments and relationships, the most powerful question shifts from "Why are they like this?" to "𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘮𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘐 𝘣𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵'𝘴 𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘭𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘐 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘥?" This self-inquiry isn't about assuming guilt or denying others' potential biases. It's about choosing growth over being right. Real progress happens when we 1) Seek 𝗴𝗲𝗻𝘂𝗶𝗻𝗲𝗹𝘆 𝗵𝗼𝗻𝗲𝘀𝘁 feedback, even when uncomfortable (if it doesn't sting a little, it's probably not the feedback you need most) 2) Pay attention to 𝗲𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗶𝗺𝗽𝗮𝗰𝘁, not just words (studies show 𝟵𝟯% of communication is non-verbal) 3) Recognize how 𝗽𝗼𝘄𝗲𝗿 𝗱𝗶𝗳𝗳𝗲𝗿𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲𝘀 across gender and culture shape interactions. For example, a male team member might interrupt his female manager during meetings without realizing it carries different weight than when he interrupts male colleagues. Research shows women are interrupted 𝟮.𝟵 times more often than men in professional settings, and when a woman is in authority, these interruptions can undermine her leadership in ways the interrupter never intended. The most successful professionals I’ve worked with understand that good intentions don't automatically cancel poor impact. I've watched careers stall because people defended their intent too vigorously. But I've also seen 𝘳𝘦𝘮𝘢𝘳𝘬𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘴𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 when curiosity replaced the need to be right & the need to win. Personally, the breakthroughs came for me when I approached misunderstandings with curiosity and not defensiveness. For example, what I saw as efficient problem-solving, others experienced as dismissal of their expertise. So, while we acknowledge the differences in how we are perceived and responded to based on cultural stereotypes, let’s also reclaim our agency and ask ourselves “𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘮𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘐 𝘣𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵'𝘴 𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘭𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘐 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘥?" #EmotionalIntelligence #Leadership #SelfAwareness

Reflect on your motives. Before speaking, ask yourself: Why am I talking? This isn't about suppressing your thoughts but understanding the underlying reasons for your communication. Are you speaking to clarify, to connect, or perhaps to assert dominance? Recognizing your true motives helps you align your speech with beneficial intentions. Consider the Impact Think about how your words might affect others and yourself. Aim not to harm. Before speaking, ask yourself: How might my words affect others? Consider their feelings, needs, and perspectives. How might my words affect me? Reflect on how your communication could influence your own well-being and relationships. Practice Self-Awareness Regular mindfulness practice can increase your self-awareness, allowing you to recognize and adjust your communication style more effectively. Consider past conversations where your speech may not have been well-intended. Reflect on what you could have done differently and how you can improve in similar situations moving forward. As we focus on the intention behind our words, we open the door to transforming our interactions into opportunities for connection, understanding, and mutual growth.

*Seek your Mirrors* My Board presentation was a flop. I had prepared well. The slides were crisp, my talk engaging. Yet, the response was … unenthusiastic. Polite, but lukewarm. No follow-up questions. It was all a bit … deflating. I sat down limply at the lunch table, and that’s when I saw it. A prominent, white shirt tail where there ought to have been dark trousers. A peekaboo no one wants to see at the work place. My open zipper! I had been strutting around, talking about windows of opportunity, when a whole other kind of window was wide open in front of my Board! Aargh! No wonder there were no questions after my presentation. Who’d want more of THAT show? Once I calmed down, I felt curious - why hadn’t someone told me? Why the collective pretension of normalcy? Politeness? Maybe. After all - What do you say to a speaker with an open fly? And when? The Bystander Effect. That’s another reason. Research shows that individual bystanders are less likely to intervene and help when multiple others are on the scene. Had I been speaking one on one with a board member, they might well have told me right away. Whatever the reasons - ultimately, I didn’t receive a crucial piece of feedback that morning. And that let me … exposed, so to speak. “How do I truly know what to change in myself?”, a colleague asked me rhetorically, “Reflection is so hard!” A-ha! Reflection. That question, my friend, answers itself. If you’re wondering your hair isn’t combed straight, what do you do? Do you sit and recall your combing technique? Do you pat-feel your hair gingerly? No. You seek a reflection - you go find a mirror! In our search for personal effectiveness at work, the solution is similar. You want to know what you can do better at work? Don’t just sit there and ‘reflect’. Take the simplest, most powerful step - find people you trust and ask them! Your weaknesses might be hidden to you, but to your colleagues and friends, they are on full display. So - you genuinely want to improve? Find some well-wishers at work and make them your mirror. Up, down or sideways in the hierarchy, that’s immaterial. What matters is that you trust them. And not “anyone can give me feedback anytime!” … that’s just a cop out. Remember the bystander effect. Once you identify such trusted colleagues, co-opt them. They are your mirrors. Seek them out regularly for feedback, ask them what your rough edges are, where you are screwing up. Two caveats: 1. You might not like what the mirrors show you. From open zippers and bad breath to rudeness and micro management. Be prepared for bitter truths. 2. Mirrors might be slightly distorted. It is not the obligation of a mirror to show you perfect reflections. It is not your friend’s job to give you ‘perfect’ feedback. It is YOUR job to extract value from what you hear. Remember - Only one person in the world cares truly deeply about your development. To know who that is, seek your mirrors.

Want to transform your communication skills? Start with this self-awareness exercise. Record yourself speaking for 5 minutes on any topic. Leave it for a day (this removes the initial self-criticism). Then review it in three stages: Stage 1: Watch on mute Focus purely on body language. What are your hands doing? How do your facial expressions support your message? Notice your posture and movement patterns. Stage 2: Listen without watching Turn the phone around and just listen. Pay attention to vocal qualities: your pace, volume, tone variations, and energy levels. What do you like? What needs work? Stage 3: Get it transcribed This reveals your communication patterns in black and white. You'll spot repetition, circular reasoning, filler words, and structural issues you never noticed before. One session gives you 5-10 concrete improvement areas. That's your roadmap to becoming a more effective communicator. What's one speaking habit you've noticed in yourself?

Every leader wants to build more leaders. But only a few begin with the hardest part, looking within. Leadership presence and influence flow directly from self-awareness. It is the cornerstone of effective leadership, a prerequisite for driving results and building high-performing teams. The journey of creating more leaders begins not with external strategy, but with internal understanding. As leaders, we must first recognise how our behaviour, tone, and decisions shape the emotional and psychological experience of every person on our team. Without strong self-awareness, understanding our motivations, strengths, and blind spots, even our best intentions can be misread. This is why routine reflection is critical. To lead effectively from the inside out, pause and reflect on two pivotal questions: First, “How do people experience you?” Assess your presence. Ensure consistency and composure under pressure, and actively foster trust and collaboration. Second, “How do people experience themselves when they are with you?” This defines your legacy. Every interaction should leave people feeling seen, empowered, and valued. Leadership self-awareness aligns values with empathy, transforming intention into positive influence. By intentionally shaping our behaviour today, we build the foundation for future leaders to rise. The deeper a leader reflects, the greater the ripple of capability and confidence they create across the organisation. What’s one reflection that shaped your leadership? #LeadershipDevelopment #SelfAwareness #EmotionalIntelligence #LeadingWithEmpathy

The higher you go in leadership, the harder it is to see yourself clearly. You can keep scrolling if you say "YES" to any of these questions: 1/ Do you have a clear idea of how you are perceived in a senior position? 2/ Are you able to figure out your blind spots with ease as you go up the ladder? 3/ Is it easy for you to pause and reflect on your actions as a leader? If you answered "NO" to any of these three questions, please continue reading. In my coaching work with senior leaders and CXOs, one problem comes up repeatedly: “I had no idea how I was being perceived.” Whether it’s tone during feedback, presence in team meetings, or how emotions land during conflict, many leaders are surprised by how others experience them. And it’s not about lack of intent. It’s about a lack of awareness. So, what's the solution? The solution lies in more reflection, listening, and presence. When you learn to observe yourself: your energy, your language, your emotional tone, everything begins to shift: Your communication becomes clear Your confidence feels grounded Your difficult conversations become compassionate Your team feels psychologically safe So, if you think self-awareness is a soft skill. It's not. It’s your strategic advantage as a leader. Now, take one step today: Ask someone you trust, “What’s it like to be on the other side of me?” And listen without defending. You might discover the one thing that changes everything.

I once worked with a senior leader who was preparing for a high-stakes presentation. Smart. Prepared. Respected in their field. After their first run-through, I suggested something simple: “Let’s watch the recording.” They winced. Like most of us, they didn’t want to see themselves on video. It felt uncomfortable. Exposing. Unnecessary. But here’s what I’ve seen again and again—across executives, physicians, founders, and educators: Video doesn’t lie. And it doesn’t flatter. But it does teach. So instead of asking them to “analyze” their performance, I gave them a much more humane process. One I still use myself. Here’s the approach. 1) Watch once. No fixing. No judging. Just notice your reaction. Discomfort is data. Stay with it. 2) Watch again—sound off. Now you’re only observing physical presence. Movement. Stillness. Eye contact. Habits you didn’t know you had. 3) Listen—screen off. Focus only on the voice. Energy. Pace. Filler words. Confidence. Could you listen to this person for ten minutes? 4) Watch one final time—for what worked. This is the most important step. What landed? What felt clear? What should you repeat? When that client finished the process, their response surprised them. They didn’t feel worse. They felt clearer. Clearer about what to change—and just as important, clearer about what not to change. That’s why I continue to recommend this practice, even when it’s uncomfortable. I don’t know a more effective tool for improving how you show up as a communicator than watching yourself with intention and compassion. If you have a recent recording—a presentation, a talk, even a Zoom meeting—set aside 20 minutes this week and try it. Mastery isn’t about being flawless. It’s about being willing to see yourself clearly.

I once had a client ask me not to send voice messages because it gave them anxiety. It struck me as oddly disproportionate because this was a seasoned entrepreneur, and a respected leader in their late forties who advised others on high performance. But to them, the sound of someone’s voice (unpredictable, unstructured) felt overwhelming. And while I still believe part of that is worth challenging, another part of me now sees it as something to understand. Most of us carry a subtle, unspoken anxiety around communication. We feel it in the split second before opening an unexpected message. That flicker of apprehension (small but unmistakable) as we wonder what’s about to be asked of us, or worse, revealed about us. Somewhere in the nervous system, a scan begins: • Did I forget something? • Did I offend someone? • Am I about to get bad news? We rarely talk about it. But it happens more often than we admit. A low-level vigilance embedded into our interactions, shaped by years of conditioning. This isn’t always a sign of immaturity. Sometimes it’s the residue of responsibility. The more someone has on their shoulders, the more places they expect a ball to drop. But left unchecked, this quiet scanning can turn into a permanent stance: hypervigilance disguised as professionalism. And that’s where problems begin. When we approach communication through self-protection, we distort what’s actually being said. We delay decisions. Avoid clarity. Misinterpret tone. Not because we’re trying to be difficult, but because we’re trying to stay safe. Not everyone hears communication the same way. Not everyone has the same internal bandwidth. And not everyone has learned how to separate the message from the meaning they’ve attached to it. The challenge, especially in business, is learning to hold both truths. On one hand, we need to respect the emotional landscape of others, especially in distributed, asynchronous environments. Thoughtfulness matters. How and when we communicate (and what we assume) shapes the trust required to build something lasting. On the other hand, we must take responsibility for our inner environment. No matter how carefully something is said, we can always find a reason to be hurt by it. At some point, it becomes less about the message and more about what we haven’t reconciled within ourselves. Emotional intelligence in business is about recognizing our reactivity without offloading the responsibility for it. And it’s about learning to be with discomfort so we can hear feedback, ask for clarity, and move things forward without spiraling into self-protection. That’s the shift I’m interested in. Not a culture where we coddle each other’s nervous systems, but one where awareness leads to maturity. Where we can receive a Slack message or a tough conversation without needing to decompress for hours afterward. Not every message is a threat. Not every silence is disapproval. Sometimes it’s just communication. — Cam

Clients always ask me, “Do I really need to record myself and watch the playback?” 👀 Let’s talk about it. According to communication science, over 90% of our message is conveyed through nonverbal cues such as tone, facial expression, body language. So when you don’t watch yourself back, you’re missing the opportunity to analyze the part of your message that speaks the loudest. But beyond the data, here’s what I know as a public speaking coach and as a woman who has had to fight to be heard: Many of us have spent years being told to shrink…speak only when called, doubt the power of our voice, and perfect our work in silence. So of course watching yourself on playback feels cringey. While it may be uncomfortable, it’s about rewiring the part of you that learned to dissociate from your own brilliance. Playback is a mirror. And the mirror reflects more than posture and pitch. It also reflects progress. ❤️ When you watch yourself, you’re not just correcting. You’re claiming. You’re building the muscle of self-awareness, executive presence, and storytelling mastery. Want to be a compelling speaker? A powerful leader? Then yes, you need to record AND watch the playback. It’s not vanity. It’s visibility. And you deserve to be seen in your full power. #ExecutivePresence #LeadershipDevelopment #AmplifyYourVoice #WomenInLeadership #SpeakingTips

𝗪𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝗜 𝗮𝘀𝗸 𝗽𝗲𝗼𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝗹𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗻 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁, 𝗻𝗼 𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝘀𝗮𝘆𝘀 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗲𝗻𝗲𝘀𝘀𝗅 Awareness is a crucial career skill that I think often gets sidelined. How well you understand yourself, your surroundings, and your relationships has a big impact on how effectively you lead, collaborate, and communicate. Maybe it's because we're all already great at it....😉 or maybe it's worth assessing our awareness and seeing where we could learn and improve! There are 3 elements of awareness that affect your impact: 1️⃣ 𝗦𝗲𝗹𝗳-𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗲𝗻𝗲𝘀𝘀 – 𝗞𝗻𝗼𝘄𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗵𝗼𝘄 𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝘀 𝘀𝗲𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 🔍 Questions to reflect on: - What do I want to be known for? - If others described me in three words, what would they say? - What’s a piece of feedback I’ve received that surprised me? 🎯 𝗔𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝘁𝗼 𝗶𝗺𝗽𝗿𝗼𝘃𝗲: Ask a trusted colleague or friend, “What’s one thing I do well and one thing I could improve?” 2️⃣ 𝗦𝗶𝘁𝘂𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗲𝗻𝗲𝘀𝘀 – 𝗦𝗽𝗼𝘁𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘀𝗶𝗴𝗻𝗮𝗹𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗮𝗱𝗮𝗽𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 🔍 Questions to reflect on: - Do I notice when the mood or energy shifts in a conversation? - How often do I pause to observe before responding? - Have I ever misread a situation? What happened? 🎯 𝗔𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝘁𝗼 𝗶𝗺𝗽𝗿𝗼𝘃𝗲: In your next meeting, take 30 seconds to scan the room (or Zoom). Observe body language, tone, and engagement levels before speaking. 3️⃣ 𝗥𝗲𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗲𝗻𝗲𝘀𝘀 – 𝗨𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗶𝗺𝗽𝗮𝗰𝘁 𝗼𝗻 𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝘀 🔍 Questions to reflect on: - Do I adapt my communication style based on who I’m speaking to? - Do I listen to understand, or just to respond? - How do I react when someone disagrees with me? 🎯 𝗔𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝘁𝗼 𝗶𝗺𝗽𝗿𝗼𝘃𝗲: Practice playback to sense check your understanding rather than assuming you know what someone is trying to say. I think it's useful to score your awareness, see where you might have some gaps and discuss with someone you trust. You may be being self-critical, in which case, they will help you see what you might be missing. Or you may get their support to try something new to increase your awareness. It's definitely an exercise worthy of self-reflection at least! ____ 😀 I post about career development and learning at work. Follow Helen Tupper to add more learning to your LinkedIn feed!