How to Reframe Career Conversations for Women

Have you ever been told you are too quiet? Maybe you don’t speak up enough so, “people worry about your leadership skills.” Or, you don’t advocate enough for yourself so, “you aren’t taking control of your career like a natural born leader.” If so, this article is for you. Maybe you’ve received feedback that there is concern over your analytical skills and “quant chops.” Or, there is some general, yet vague, feedback that leadership worries, “you lack that killer instinct.” Or, maybe it’s the opposite and you are “too bossy” or “too opinionated.” Have you heard any of these things?  I have over my career. Instead of letting them control my path, I got upset, then angry, then curious. I decided that none of these descriptions were really a good read on me, or my leadership potential, and I decided to change the perception. You can too. I’ve interviewed hundreds of women in senior leadership over the years and one thing is clear: we’re navigating a constant push and pull. Be strong, but not too strong. Be likable, but not too soft. Show your ambition, but don’t make anyone uncomfortable. Women aren’t just doing the job, they’re doing the extra work of managing how they’re perceived while they’re doing the job. We wrote this piece for HBR because it’s important for women to know how to not only subvert stereotypes and shape how others see them, but to do it without losing themselves in the process. Too many of us think there is nothing we can do when we hear feedback that doesn’t feel quite right. Sometimes, there are actions we can take. I love this piece so much because it says we don’t have to be victim to the stories about us or around us, we can do something about it.   1️⃣ Craft a counternarrative – Instead of internalizing biased feedback, reshape how people see you by aligning your strengths with what the organization values (on your terms!). 2️⃣ Use positive association – Enthusiasm and future-focused language can subtly shift others’ assumptions  and build trust. 3️⃣ Turn feedback into power – Don’t immediately accept or reject it, investigate it. Use it to understand what success looks like in your environment, and then find authentic ways to express that in your own leadership style. So if you’ve ever felt like your success depends not just on what you do, but how you’re seen…you’re not imagining it. Especially in times of economic uncertainty and shifting priorities, it becomes even more pronounced. And while there are no one-size-fits-all strategies, when women take control of their story, they open doors for themselves AND others. Let’s stop contorting ourselves to fit outdated models. We can rewrite the models themselves. Let me know what you think. https://lnkd.in/gcCSE7XW Colleen Ammerman Harvard Business Review Lakshmi Ramarajan Lisa Sun

A man was hired over a woman. Following 7 rounds of interviews. When the woman (my friend) asked why she missed out on the role, she got a vague response: → They were equally qualified → Both performed well → It was neck and neck So… what tipped the balance? Eventually, she got the answer: He asked for more money. That’s it. They said his negotiation showed “Commercial instinct.” “Confidence.” “Leadership potential.” They didn’t offer him more because he was better. They decided he was better because he asked for more. Her hesitation was seen as a lack of belief in herself. That’s why when clients ask me, “Should I negotiate?” I say: Always. Not just for the money but for what it signals. And here’s why it matters: 🔹 Only 34% of women negotiate their salary, compared to 61% of men (Source: LinkedIn Gender Insights Report) 🔹 The gender pay gap is 14.3% (and it widens dramatically for women over 40.) Ladies, it's time to close that gap: 1. Don’t pitch a number first. Pitch your value. → Frame the conversation around impact: → “Here’s what I’ve delivered…” → “Here’s the commercial value I’ve driven…” 2. Price your potential not your past. → You’re not being hired to repeat what you’ve done. → You’re being hired for what you’ll do next. 3. Do your research. Then ask for more. → Benchmark your role, level, and industry. → Use tools like Glassdoor. 4. Use the ‘Bracketing’ Technique. → Offer a range so you can negotiate. → "I’d expect something in the $150–$180K range.” 5. Own your worth. Out loud. → If you downplay your value, people will believe you. → Negotiation is not arrogance but it takes practice. It isn’t just about pay. It’s about perception. And perception shapes outcomes. Have you ever wished you asked for more money?

Early in my career, when I shared the story of a workshop that completely bombed (an email announcing layoffs arrived in everyone's inbox during day 1 lunch of a two-day program -- and I had no idea how to handle this), three women immediately reached out to share their own "disaster" stories. We realized we'd all been carrying shame about normal learning experiences while watching men turn similar setbacks into compelling leadership narratives about risk-taking and resilience. The conversation that we had was more valuable than any success story I could have shared. As women, we are stuck in a double-bind: we are less likely to share our successes AND we are less likely to share our failures. Today, I'm talking about the latter. Sharing failure stories normalizes setbacks as part of growth rather than evidence of inadequacy. When we women are vulnerable about their struggles and what they learned, it creates permission for others to reframe their own experiences. This collective storytelling helps distinguish between individual challenges and systemic issues that affect many women similarly. Men more readily share and learn from failures, often turning them into evidence of their willingness to take risks and push boundaries. Women, knowing our failures are judged more harshly, tend to hide them or frame them as personal shortcomings. This creates isolation around experiences that are actually quite common and entirely normal parts of professional development. Open discussion about setbacks establishes the expectation that failing is not only normal but necessary for success. It builds connection and community among women who might otherwise feel alone in their struggles. When we reframe failures as data and learning experiences rather than shameful secrets, we reduce their power to limit our future risk-taking and ambition. Here are a few tips for sharing and learning from failure stories: • Practice talking about setbacks as learning experiences rather than personal inadequacies • Share what you learned and how you've applied those lessons, not just what went wrong • Seek out other women's failure stories to normalize your own experiences • Look for patterns in women's challenges that suggest systemic rather than individual issues (and then stop seeing systemic challenges as personal failures!) • Create safe spaces for honest conversation about struggles and setbacks • Celebrate recovery and growth as much as initial success • Use failure stories to build connection and mentorship relationships with other women We are not the sum of our failures, but some of our failures make us more relatable, realistic, and ready for our successes. So let's not keep them to ourselves. #WomensERG #DEIB #failure

I was labeled “Bull in a China Shop.” My male colleague got promoted for the same behavior. The feedback? "You need to soften your approach." I spent months second-guessing every decision, diluting my voice, and watching opportunities slip by. Here's what I wish every woman leader knew about navigating vague feedback 👇 When you get vague or gendered feedback, you have the power to redirect the conversation toward specifics that actually help you grow. (Grab the high res pdf, to prepare for your next career conversation: https://lnkd.in/gZJrJxhm) 👉 How to Transform Vague Feedback into Career Fuel: 🚩 When they say: "Be more collaborative" 🟢 You ask: "Which stakeholder relationships need strengthening, and what would success look like?" 🚩 When they say: "You're not ready yet" 🟢 You ask: "What measurable milestones would show you I'm ready?" 🚩 When they say: "You're overthinking things" 🟢 You ask: “Can you walk me through how you’d approach this decision?” 🚩 When they say: "Don't be so emotional" 🟢 You ask: “What’s the best way to channel passion so it drives results and connection?” 🚩 When they say: "You're too aggressive" 🟢 You ask: “Can you share a moment when my approach had an unintended impact?” 🚩 When they say: "You need more executive presence" 🟢 You ask: “What behaviors signal ‘executive presence’ to you?” 🚩 When they say: "Soften your communication style" 🟢 You ask “How can I balance approachability with authority in my communication?” The shift? You're not accepting the label. You're mining for actionable intelligence. Every vague critique is a chance to show strategic thinking. You deserve feedback that helps you grow, not feedback that makes you shrink. PS. What's the most frustrating piece of vague feedback you've received? 🔖 Save this to prepare for your next review. ♻️ Repost to help other leaders decode biased feedback and take back their power.

I was minutes away from presenting the findings of a global study I’d lead-authored for one of the largest companies in the world… When a senior executive waved me over and said, “This milk is off.” I smiled politely and told him I’d let the receptionist know. His eyes widened, and he said, “Oh, I thought you WERE the receptionist.” 😠 Here’s the thing—over 50% of women have been mistaken for junior staff or janitors. For women of color, that number jumps to 58%. And it’s not just awkward, it’s corrosive! Being underestimated, spoken over, or misjudged chips away at your confidence and can even shape your career trajectory. In that moment, I had a choice: let the comment rattle me OR focus on what I came to do. I chose the latter and delivered my presentation.... But I didn't forget what happened. These moments are reminders of why we have to correct assumptions, stand our ground, and make our presence felt. Here's are some responses you can turn to in moments when someone underestimateS you: Ask Why "What made you think I was the receptionist?" Use Humor to Disarm "I’d love to help, but my milk-replacement skills are terrible—now, public speaking? That’s what I’m here for." Flip the Focus "Why is it usually the women here who get asked to do that kind of thing?" Get One-on-One Time Hanging out with someone who makes incorrect assumptions about you is probably the last thing you want to do, but spending a few minutes privately can sometimes reset how someone sees you. For example: "I wanted to flag something you said earlier. I’m here as [your role], and I want to make sure that’s clear going forward." Escalate if Needed If you continue to experience disrespect and microaggressions from a colleague, you might have to make your boss or HR aware of the situation so you can have documented evidence of how this person is treating you. You worked hard to be here. You belong in the room! And no snap judgment will change that. Image alt text: milk being poured into coffee

Ok, let me get on my soap box for a minute. You’re talking about your career in job interviews + info conversations all wrong. I see wildly impressive women make this mistake daily, so I say this in the most loving way possible. Every info conversation + interview starts in the same place: “Tell me about yourself.” You can spend weeks (months!) preparing for your job search — Sundays doing reflection exercises + personality tests, late nights scrolling job boards + the hard work of setting up calls. But all that preparation is wasted if - You can’t talk about yourself in a way that immediately conveys your : - unique value - direction, and - readiness to lead at the next level It’s not your fault! This requires marketing + storytelling. Skills you’ve learned in a business context, but aren’t taught to apply to yourself. Let me walk you through how to do it right. Here’s a simple structure I use w/ clients to help them turn their resume into a compelling, confident story — one that positions them for the roles they want next: 1) 𝐒𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐰/ 𝐚 𝐩𝐮𝐧𝐜𝐡𝐲 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐞. Lead w/ a one‑line headline that signals your value and direction. Template: I’m a [adjective] [function/level] in [industry], known for [edge]. Example: I’m a strategic operations leader in consumer tech, known for scaling scrappy teams into revenue engines. 2) 𝐌𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥. Explain why you made each move, so your path reads as intentional. Template: I moved from X to Y because… which let me… Example: I left consulting for a growth-stage startup to own outcomes end-to-end + build cross‑functional muscle. 3) 𝐒𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡 𝐫𝐨𝐥𝐞 𝐛𝐮𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐬 𝐭𝐨𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐧𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐨𝐧𝐞. Select 1–2 proof points per role that ladder to your target. Template: What did I learn or deliver here that directly serves the role I want now? Example: Launched a new product line that became 30% of annual revenue. 4) 𝐂𝐮𝐭 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐝𝐨𝐞𝐬𝐧’𝐭 𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲. Edit ruthlessly. Cut side projects, tool lists & responsibilities that dilute the through‑line. Rule of thumb: If it doesn’t strengthen why you for this role, it’s out. Example: If you’re pivoted from sustainability consulting into partnerships, cut the references to sustainability + position yourself as a consulting generalist. 5) 𝐇𝐲𝐩𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐬. Translate activity into outcomes with numbers, speed + scope. 6) 𝐀𝐝𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐮𝐦𝐩𝐬 𝐰/ 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐟𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞. Briefly, confidently address gaps, pivots, layoffs, or sabbaticals - then move on. Ex: Took a 4‑month sabbatical to care for family; returned w/ refreshed systems that improved my team’s cadence. Want to see this action? Check out the example below – this is my main character, “Maya,” the star of all my trainings. See how we turned her dry biography into a page-turning memoir. Your story is already powerful. You just need to know how to tell it.

“Michelle, can you take the minutes?” Years ago, I was in a meeting with senior executives when my boss turned to me and asked me to take the minutes. My response? “Why? Just because I’ve got a vagina?” Now, was that the most strategic way to handle it? Probably not. Did it get my point across? Absolutely. This moment highlighted a more significant issue: women being assigned non-promotable tasks that do nothing to advance their careers. Taking minutes, organising meetings, and onboarding new employees are essential tasks, but they become career roadblocks when they are disproportionately assigned to women. Managers, ask yourselves: • Who is being asked to take on these tasks in your team? • Are these responsibilities shared fairly? • Are you unintentionally reinforcing gendered expectations at work? Women, next time this happens, try: • “I’ve taken the minutes the last few times. Let’s rotate this responsibility.” • “This task should be shared fairly. Who hasn’t done it yet?” • “I’d like to contribute to the discussion, not just document it.” #WomenAtWork #CareerAdvice #GenderEquity #LeadToSoar

No one would hire me. I had five kids to feed. I was feeling desperate, so I took things into my own hands. I asked my younger brother for advice. That’s when I first heard the words “informational interview.” Not a job interview. Not tied to an opening. Just a conversation. But that one conversation rewrote my entire future. I walked in nervous. One page of scribbled questions. Convinced I’d blow it. They introduced me to other people in the company. Even offered to connect me with five other companies. For the first time in forever, I let myself feel hopeful. Then came the email. They weren’t going to make the introductions after all. My heart sank. I had blown my shot. But then I read further. They didn’t want to refer me--because they wanted to hire me. An entry-level role. Ego-bruising. But it fed my kids. And it gave me back my confidence. Looking back, here’s what I wish I had known before walking into that room… 1. Target smartly. Reach out to people in roles or companies you genuinely admire. Work your own network first. 2. Keep it simple. A short note works best: “Hi [Name], I admire your work in [field]. I’m exploring opportunities in this space and would love 20 minutes to learn about your career path.” 3. Lead with curiosity. Show up with a handful of thoughtful questions--then listen more than you talk. 4. Don’t ask for a job. This is the mistake almost everyone makes. You’re there to learn, not to pitch. 5. Always close the loop. A quick thank-you note goes further than you think. Stop applying. Start connecting. It’s not about landing the job in the room. It’s about building the confidence and connections that lead to one. ______________ I'm the founder of a nonprofit, Elavare, and I help women return to the workforce and succeed in their careers. 🔔 Follow me for thoughts on confidence, career transitions, leadership, and the power of believing in yourself. #hiring #hireamom #workingmoms #recruiting