Stop relying on empathy to deliver tough feedback
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Last week, clinical psychologist and founder and CEO of Good Inside Dr. Becky Kennedy sat down with host Jessi Hempel to share practical tips for balancing empathy and accountability at work.
Kennedy draws parallels between her parenting work and office leadership. Like children, your team can smell uncertainty on you. So, how do we validate stressful working conditions while holding people accountable to their goals?
According to Kennedy, it starts with separating behavior from identity. In practice, that means affirming something about the person and clarifying your intentions before addressing the specific behavior that needs to change.
When people respond with defensiveness, tears, or anger, Kennedy recommends meeting it with "sturdiness" by managing your own emotions so someone else’s feelings don't derail the conversation.
💡Try this
Acknowledge → Validate → Permit
A: Verbally "say hi" to whatever you're experiencing. It doesn't even have to be in psycho-speak — start with the physical feeling like a racing heart.
V: Explain to yourself why that feeling makes sense in the moment. One of Kennedy's go-to reminders is "nervous means you care."
P: Give your body permission to have the feeling. Let go of preconceived notions of what emotions you "should" and "shouldn't" feel at work.
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Once you master AVP, take it one step further and start regulating your emotions before you find yourself in triggering situations. Kennedy calls her technique the "road to reactivity."
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@ Krishna Moorthy
Leading with clarity is often underestimated. Emotional regulation as a leadership skill is a powerful shift—especially in high-pressure environments where empathy can easily turn into emotional absorption.
Love this. Validation is key to nervous system regulation. Pushing feelings like anger aside and wanting to get rid of them doesn’t make them disappear but validating them will because we can integrate them. For me the sequence is, Catch it: feel the emotion appear, where do you feel it first (don't judge); acknowledge: validate it, say “Hey, what do you need? What’s important here”, no story or spiral; Regulate: feet on the floor, weight into chair, one long exhale; Embody one next step forward (can be supportive self talk or an action)
Anger itself isn't the problem. Often, it's a signal that something important needs attention. The key is giving that emotion a voice before it turns into a reaction. That's where both empathy and accountability can coexist.
This is a profound perspective. Moving beyond the feedback sandwich is essential, but the real challenge lies in what fills that void. In my view, effective leadership isn't about suppressing our human nature, but about channeling it through structural frameworks rather than personal emotional involvement. We must maintain strict professional boundaries in the workplace while replacing emotional dependency with clear, consistent incentives—both financial and non-monetary. When organizations prioritize a structured psychological support system and foster a collective team culture, they create an environment where performance thrives without the need for blurred personal relationships. Efficiency and human well-being truly flourish in harmony when governed by professional rigor.