The Question That Changes Everything

Why wont they listen and change?

This question came up in a recent group leader learning session I host. I run these twice a month for team managers and twice a month for regional managers, and I do the same for my direct reports. It's one of the most common frustrations new leaders face: "I'm trying to get my team to do something I know is good for us, but they're resisting it. How do I get them to do what I want them to do?"

The Leadership Trap Nobody Warns You About

This question comes up when a leader is trying to facilitate change. They believe that the team should just listen to them as a leader and obviously buy into the change. Why wouldn't they? The leader gets the change and why it's good. Why are so many tenured employees then resisting it?

I've seen this pattern play out dozens of times. A leader has a clear vision. They've thought through the strategy. They can articulate the benefits - usually to the company, to the department's metrics, to the team's efficiency. They present it confidently and wait for everyone to get on board.

And then... nothing. Or even worse, active resistance from the people who should be the most invested in success.

Understanding Situational Leadership

My answer to this frustrated new leader included understanding of situational leadership, a model developed by Paul Hersey and Ken Blanchard. The situational leadership model reduces factors that influence leadership effectiveness to three key elements: employee maturity, the leader's task behavior, and the leader's relationship behavior.

The model identifies that employees are at different development levels based on their competence and commitment to specific tasks. Someone might be highly skilled and motivated for one type of work but require more support and direction for another. Research shows that leaders must assess the development level of each follower and adapt their leadership style accordingly through observation, feedback, and regular performance reviews.

Here's what most new leaders miss. Leadership effectiveness isn't about getting people to do what you want. It's about understanding where people are in their development and what they need to move forward. A tenured employee resisting change might have high competence but low commitment to this particular initiative - not because they're difficult, but because they haven't seen how it serves them.

What Actually Incentivizes People

The second part of my answer focused on what actually incentivizes people to do anything. Self-determination theory reveals that individuals possess inherent psychological requirements for autonomy, competence, and a sense of connection, distinguishing between intrinsic motivation - engaging in activities for personal gratification - and extrinsic motivation - participating for external inducements.

The leader in our session was focused entirely on how the change would help themselves - how it would make them look good, how it would improve their metrics, how it would make their job easier. But here's the critical question I asked them: What if you asked the team members what would make them jump onboard? What would make them consider changing current ways? What is in it for them? Not the leader, but the actual employee.

Research consistently shows that autonomous forms of motivation and basic psychological need satisfaction are related to better employee performance, satisfaction, and engagement, while controlled forms of motivation are associated with increased employee burnout and turnover. People generally want to change when they see a benefit for themselves, but many leaders communicate the benefit for the company or don't understand what individuals actually want.

The Real Conversation That Needs to Happen

My advice to this leader was simple but transformative: Go talk to your team. Find out what motivates them. Find out what makes them tick. What makes them show up to work every day. What things do they enjoy. What are their strengths, so you can start communicating in a way that makes them want to listen to you.

This isn't manipulation. This is leadership. When you understand what drives each person, you can connect your change initiative to their intrinsic motivations, their competence needs, and their sense of autonomy.

The Employee Engagement Example

In the leader's specific example, it was about employee engagement scores. They were low and the leader's path was clear: engagement scores have to improve. The team had mentioned they wanted more recognition and more "happening things" to engage them, but when the leader asked for specifics, the team went quiet.

Here's where most leaders give up or make assumptions. This leader was about to plan a big office party and make team TikTok videos because that's what "happening" meant to them.

But here's the realization that changed everything: all team members are different. Some people think "happening" means having a party in the office, doing some super extroverted things like making TikTok videos. For them, "happening" could mean more individual engagement, more focus on one-on-one communication, and more personal recognition efforts instead of blasting it out to the world where everyone sees it.

An introverted high performer might cringe at public recognition but deeply appreciate a private conversation acknowledging their contribution. An extroverted team member might love the public celebration. Someone focused on skill development might see "engagement" as opportunities to learn and grow, not social activities.

The Paradox of Treating People Fairly

Here's the leadership paradox that blew this leader's mind: Once you start treating every person as an individual, then you start treating everyone the same. But if you treat everyone the same, you actually treat everyone differently.

Think about it. If you give everyone the exact same recognition approach, the exact same development opportunities, the exact same communication style - you're not treating them equally. You're forcing your one-size-fits-all approach onto diverse human beings with different needs, motivations, and preferences.

But when you take the time to understand each person as an individual and tailor your approach to what motivates them, what engages them, and what helps them grow - that's when you're actually treating everyone fairly. You're giving each person what they need to succeed, which is the true definition of equity.

Research on self-determination theory shows that when people feel their psychological needs for autonomy, competence, and relatedness are satisfied in their work environment, they naturally become more engaged and productive. External rewards aren't enough - sustainable motivation comes from within, not just from bonuses or promotions.

Practical Steps for New Leaders

If you're facing resistance to change, here's your action plan:

Stop selling the change and start having conversations. Schedule individual time with each team member. Ask them what they care about, what frustrates them, what would make their work more meaningful.

Listen for individual motivations. Some people are motivated by learning and growth. Others by recognition and impact. Some by autonomy and flexibility. Others by collaboration and relationships. You can't know until you ask and truly listen.

Connect your change to their motivations. Once you understand what drives each person, show them how this change serves their needs. The same initiative can be framed differently for different people because different aspects will resonate with different motivations.

Adapt your leadership style. Use the situational leadership model to assess where each person is in terms of competence and commitment for this specific change, then adapt your approach. Some may need more direction and support. Others may just need autonomy to figure it out their way.

Create safe spaces for honest feedback. People won't tell you what they really think if they don't feel safe. Make it clear that you want to understand their perspective, not convince them yours is right.

Your Leadership Development Journey

The frustrated leader who asked this question? Time will tell how it pans out. As of writing this post, it has only been two days since the question was asked. My guess? They will report back that their change initiative is gaining momentum. They would have had individual conversations with each team member, discovered wildly different motivations and concerns, and tailored their approach accordingly.

The change does not happen because they became better at convincing people. It happens because they stopped trying to convince and started trying to understand.

Ready to transform how you lead change? Visit GLEHAGO Coaching & Leadership to schedule a consultation where we can work through your specific change challenges and develop strategies that actually work with human motivation rather than against it.

Change leadership isn't about having the best arguments or the most compelling vision. It's about understanding that every person on your team is different, and effective leadership means meeting people where they are with what they need.

What change are you trying to lead right now?

Share in the comments: What would happen if you stopped asking "How do I get them to do this?" and started asking "What do they need to want to do this?"

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