Missive on Men

If you follow me on Social Media or in life, you have come to understand that much of my perspective is based on systemic thinking and patterns. Even my career choice of working in Radar, Sonar, Light and Sound supports the constant motion and cyclical nature of, well EVERYTHING. I am not alone it that perspective. I believe “intuition” (women’s or not) is the recognition of patterns and predicting that a similar systemic pattern will result in similar outcome even if they are literally dissimilar. In my career, I often “see” things before other’s see them. It has made me extremely useful in crisis management and extremely annoying during the steady state. It doesn’t make me a mind reader and I don’t see the future; I simply recognize a likely outcome given the pattern. And that in spite of our best efforts in education, cultural engineering, and societal standardization (politics if you will), if a characteristic or basic human instinct drives certain behaviors, those behaviors will reappear generation after generation it is part of the life cycle and doesn’t change over time.

I know that is quite a preamble and I have been meaning to write this article for some time. I know that what I am about to communicate is not going to go over very well in our polarized society. I also know that when I offer systemic observations, people will refute it with a real example. Maybe even a personal or emotional one. I am not being dismissive, it is just that if it doesn’t align with the most likely outcome, over time, that example may be an exception (Special Cause) or an artifact another sub-system or dependent system (Normal Cause). If something is not going to change over time, then society will continuously fail to manage it despite social and legal constructs. The purpose of this article is to share four aspects of men that are not going to change over time so perhaps the strategy for society is to leverage these characteristics instead of trying to change them (because you are going to fail). I should also add that I have experienced this with All Races and Sexual Orientations of men, so I am not sure if it is the balls or hormones or some other factor, perhaps that will require study.

#1 Male Bonding: When men meet, the first thing they do in their conversations is seek out common interests. It literally can be anything: Cars, sports, hobbies, career, education, favorite songs from rock to Broad Way, a million other topics… but they are generally things that they can do together or discuss in depth. If they know someone else present who shares a found interest, they pull them into the conversation immediately. “He Bob! You gotta come over here and meet Fred!” …. This is the gathering stage. They don’t exclude anyone from this process but if no one shares your interest, you may feel like you are on the outside looking in. I guess a question you can ask yourself if you don’t like this ritual is: Are you actively and aggressively seeking common ground or if you are not, what is your objective?

#2 Busting Chops: As mentioned in #1 above, the purpose of gathering is to do stuff together. The result is clustering together in armies to protect their common interests. Maybe way back in the day, this clustering in armies was designed more for protecting the village than sharing a bottle of scotch, round of golf, Going to see Rocky Horror Picture Show for the billionth time, or tailgating at a football game, but it is the same instinctive behavior that is not going to change. Back to the busting of chops. The purpose of this is to test the hierarchy. It is a filtering process which test resiliency as well as intelligence, not book smarts maybe but the ability to contribute, be useful and have humility. There will be some who are more dominant than others, but leaders emerge based on skills and strengths. This is not for the faint of heart or the thin skinned. Again, no one is excluded but people exclude or excuse themselves from the ritual If they can’t stand the heat. The best example of this was in the Movie “Remember the Titans” the Black and White (young men) came together in a ritual of “Your Momma Jokes”. Busting Chops is a unifying process that builds trust and defines the hierarchy and isn’t going away. So, tune up your wit.

#3 Man ‘splaining: Once the Clustering and sorting, hierarchy and trust has been completed, Men focus on helping each other and building the skills of each other. If someone has expertise, they explain and teach that to other people, they also accept advice and learnings from others to strengthen themselves  and make the “army” stronger. Expertise is theoretical until it is demonstrated. Making suggestions to the group without taking ownership or having past results is often ignored, even If you are correct. Someone else with a track record can make the same suggestion and it gets heard. It is frustrating but results matter. Experienced Men man ‘splain the crap out of everything to each other and it can be quite annoying, but I have to be honest, when I hear someone complain about being ignored or man ‘spained to, I don’t think, wow that is horrible that you are being singled out. I think wow, welcome to the freakin’ club!

#4 Fixing Mistakes: Men make a lot of mistakes and unfortunately hurt people along the way. There is not a positive spin if you are left in their wake, but Men usually don’t make the same mistake twice. They fix what is broken. Often in the next relationship or the next cluster.  I have seen this behavior in my own personal life and that of my friends and family. But I have learned that it is not because of malice, it is inherent perception that fixing the future is more important than fixing the past. The inability to operate within the #1, #2, and #3 example above is a factor in my view when men fail. I saw a study in 2000 when I was taking executive training that said 97% of the Corporate CEOs in the Fortune 100 were with their first spouse.  Success in relationships comes from success in the rituals of being males. There are now strong signs that men who engage in mass shootings are growing up without fathers or access to the various male rituals stated here.

Well, I warned you. Heady stuff and maybe it even pissed you off a little. But instead of using social engineering and politics to change men, maybe we should understand what is working and why, what is not working and why and discuss these topics with honesty and an open mind by measuring their impact on society vs the impact on individuals. Because we can’t change things that nature gives us and every time we try, we make things worse. We can only manage what nature gives us and if we are smart, we can leverage them as well to make life better and safer for everyone.