Kiddo Chaos and its Costs

Are Burned-Out Parents Weakening the U.S. Economy?

One of my clients recently voiced a familiar sentiment.  "I don't feel like I have time to breathe," she complained.

Another client, the father of two school-aged boys, works 60 to 70 hours per week as an attorney only to spend weekends driving to hockey tournaments that are sometimes hundreds of miles away.

For me personally, as the father of a competitive volleyball player, I felt pressure to sign my daughter up for the local club league, which runs from December through June, costing thousands of dollars in fees plus the cost and commitment of traveling to volleyball tournaments in different parts of the country.

Yes, I just said that.  Not parts of our community or parts of our state.  Parts of the country.  She was only 15!

For those parents whose children are dancers, my heart bleeds for you especially.  I know the commitments you are making and the costs you are incurring.  No day is sacred anymore, with dance competitions and rehearsals sometimes held on holidays. 

When one of my friend's daughters had a compulsory dance rehearsal on Mother's Day, I saw it as clear evidence that we, as a society, might be flirting with the edges of insanity.

Is it possible that this insanity comes at a cost to our economy and our overall quality of life?  Yes, I believe it does.

For too many parents, weekends no longer provide opportunity for rest and relaxation as they once did.  Weekends are now packed with time consuming commitments.  Kids no longer play just to play.  Their every move is coordinated and controlled by adults, many of whom are being paid to orchestrate this chaos.  

So what we have now are parents without rest and kids without skills they will need in life.

An insightful article published by ScienceDaily captures the seriousness of the problem, especially as it relates to the mental and emotional health of parents.

"When the daily stress of parenting becomes chronic it can turn into parental burnout, an intense exhaustion that leads parents to feel detached from their children and unsure of their parenting abilities."

This phenomenon can leave parents crippled by feelings of guilt and remorse, which only exacerbate the already difficult challenge of functioning effectively without much rest.  

As a society, we may eventually come to realize that many of us are killing ourselves, and that it's far better to raise kids with:

• strong interpersonal skills
• emotional and mental health
• enthusiasm for life and community
• the ability to function with independence and creativity

 rather than kids who are:

• athletically trained
• competitive
• consistently occupied with organized activity

As Americans we often pride ourselves on our competitiveness.  But there is nothing competitive about people in the workforce who are completely and utterly burned out.  Nor is there anything competitive about raising future professionals who've never learned how to keep themselves motivated and occupied without the interventions of higher authorities.

As a former collegiate athlete, I can attest to the value of organized activity and the quality coaching and mentorship that often comes with it.  Through these activities we can instill in children some very important lessons and experiences that will help them in life.

But the evidence indicating that we've lost our way is growing, and I am confronted with it in my coaching practice on almost a daily basis.

If you are a coach, instructor, or organizer of activities that threaten the quality of life of the kids and families you are serving, you will be doing everyone a huge favor by being aware of the challenges you may be causing them and working to engineer solutions that help preserve their individual and familial sanity.

If you are a parent stuck in the kiddo chaos, remember that taking time for yourself and living your life to the best of your ability is good for your kids.  They need to witness you striking balance in your life.  In addition to meeting your many personal and professional responsibilities, your kids need to see you enjoying life, enjoying your friends, and enjoying your precious time.  Sometimes that will involve your kids, sometimes it won't.

If your kids know you love them and that you take a keen interest in their lives and life experiences, then you are about 90% there.  No need to feel guilty about missing an event, meeting your own needs, or making the most of your own life.  These are exactly what you will want your kids to do when they grow up and are faced with the same challenges.

When we take care of ourselves as parents, we perhaps teach our children one of the most important lessons of all - life is not a tour of duty; it is a gift to be enjoyed.  From this lesson comes the mental and emotional health our kids will need to live productive, meaningful, and joyous lives. 

Both our economy and quality of life depend on it.