Getting Started with Coaching

Last month I shared an article on the benefits of a coaching approach. As a reminder, coaching is a conversational approach where we use mostly active listening and open-ended questions to empower a coachee toward their own insights and next steps. This month, I’d like to give you some tips for how to start having coaching conversations or becoming more coach-like in your day-to-day conversations. Michael Bungay Stanier—author of The Coaching Habit and The Advice Trap—gives three pieces of advice to new coaches: be lazy, be curious, and be often.

Be lazy. This doesn’t mean we get to nap or get distracted during conversations. The concept of being lazy refers to holding ourselves back from trying to solve the first problem we hear come out of the coachee’s mouth. Stanier points out that rarely is the first problem the real problem. Even our coachee may not understand what the real problem is—they’ve never taken the time to self-reflect and you may be the first person who actually takes the time to listen to them. Give them space to understand what’s really going on and hold yourself back from doing all the work for them.

Ask these questions:

• “What’s the real challenge here for you?"
• “What are you learning about yourself?”

Be curious. Coaches stay present, practice active listening, and are intensely curious about other people. When we give up the need to solve problems for others, we can sit back and explore. Think of coaching like spelunking or exploring a dark cave. Our coachee is holding the flashlight and doing the work, but we use questions to help them illuminate what might be around the next corner. Each turn leads to new insights and dead ends are celebrated as part of the discovery process.

Ask these questions:      

• “What would success look like?”
• “When you consider the future, what’s exciting?”
• “What else?”

Be often. Coaching works best in ongoing relationships with regular interactions. These coaching moments are important because they help a coachee break challenges down into smaller steps and give them support and accountability to measure their progress along the way. As a professional coach, I usually try to meet with a new client every 2-3 weeks for a set number of sessions. At the end of every conversation, we focus on what they are going to do between now and the next meeting. At the next meeting, we review their progress. Over time, these small steps add up to big accomplishments. Whether you have a formal engagement with your coachee or not, check in regularly. Also remember that coaching can happen in bite-size conversations; even a 5-10 minute check-in can go a long way.

Ask these questions:

• “What steps could you take right now to start moving forward?”
• “How will you hold yourself accountable?”

Next month, we’ll discuss when to use coaching vs. other conversational modalities like giving feedback or mentoring. It can get complicated – some conversations might require a blend of multiple approaches. For now, continue to focus on being more coach-like. Be lazy, be curious, and be often.