Coming back from burnout

2019 had many highs - my first short story was published, and I was able to present (and meet many awesome people) at professional events all over the country. It also had some lows, including months of burnout and subsequent recovery. My year was very nearly swallowed by this recently recognized syndrome.

I remember seeing the news above - that burnout was officially a real thing - and mocking it. How was it not already a 'real thing' before? It was like the medical professionals just noticed their own shadows. I laughed the news off the same way I had been laughing my own troubles off... Sure, I was burnt out, but it was nothing I hadn't overcome before.

Burnout is sneaky this way: It comes on slow and you tend to let it coexist because it's "just a little work stress." Before you know it, chronic illness or depressive symptoms set in and basic tasks like showering can feel impossible.

I did mention to my leadership there was a lot on my plate but I never really asserted myself. It didn't seem necessary; I was stressed but so was everyone on our team. More importantly, I had established myself as the person who could do "all the things" and was quite attached to that image. My self-worth had shifted from being innate to being about what I could deliver.

Over the next three months, I was always in a hurry and started to make stupid mistakes. I was angry all the time and just wanted to be alone. I delivered on everything, but at what cost? I put being a star performer so high up on a pedestal that I ultimately endangered my ability to be one.

And of course I was angry. The stress of burnout had snowballed as I put off medical care for various health issues, began overeating, and skipped the gym because I was 'too tired.' None of my clothes fit anymore. My whole body was tense and no amount of sleep felt like enough. I felt more robot than human. I was disconnected from the sweetest parts of my life: laughter, hugs, and play. If I wasn't being productive, I didn't know how to exist or what to say.

I spent the bulk of the fall recovering and reassessing. That's when I realized it wasn't just a little work stress, it was true burnout. The holidays have been quiet, and I've spent the time with loved ones re-learning how to be a human. My mind and heart and body are all connected and moving at the same pace, and my desire to do amazing things at work is renewed.

I'm sharing this with whoever might read it because while I am particularly prone to burnout, I don't think anyone is immune to it. It's good to know the signs before it sneaks in and have a plan for how to keep it at bay. That plan usually involves healthy, sturdy boundaries.

Whether you are into New Year's resolutions or not, I hope you'll join me in creating healthy personal boundaries and respecting them in 2020.