Burnout: Reflections from 1 year on

One year ago I burnt out. Work was too much for me. Life was too intense. I was spending more energy than I had day after day. It wasn't sustainable. I was doing my best to swim, yet I was sinking.

What I didn't realise at the time was that in sinking to the bottom you hit firm ground once you are there. Rock bottom. There is only one way up. And it is this opportunity where you can propel yourself in a different direction.

Burnout crept up on me. And while it had been a slow burn, when I read back on my journal the weeks preceding had the signs of where it was going.

Below is a journal entry 2 weeks prior to me realising I had burnout.

‘Hard to articulate how I feel at the moment but I will do my best.

Lost

Overwhelmed

Anxious

Uncertain

Directionless

Emotional

Introverted

Imploding

On the edge

Overflowing

If I could test positive for Covid so I could have a week of from work I would.”

2 weeks later

“Oh boy, I am a mess at the moment.

I have drawn myself inwards.

I am not doing the things that bring me joy.

I am self-sabotaging myself.

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders all the time.

It’s a real grind.

I need a pause to evaluate some options and what to do next.”

As you can see, I was sinking fast.

2 days later

“Thud. I hit rock bottom.

Here I am. Broken. In pieces. On the ground.

Curled up on a couch, crying. My partner says to me “I think you are done.”

Yet once I hit that point of rock bottom and recognised it and that it had a name (burnout) I felt on solid ground again. The uncertainty was over. There was no more sinking or swimming. I read Alison Coughlan’s book ‘The Health Hazard’ in 2 days and it all made sense what had happened. I wasn’t alone, and it had a name.

What came next?

I called my GP and made an appointment. I didn't know what I was asking for but it was a step in crying out for help. I let my boss know I wasn't well. My partner had messaged him the night before. I had been shutting my systems down bit by bit and then it all came apart.

What did I feel?

I was embarrassed. I felt like a failure in that I was giving up.

I was also relieved. I had gone past the point of no return, and I had to change something.

And then I accepted quickly where I was: rock bottom. The rapid acceptance was likely from the fact that I had been in denial the preceding months. My rational brain made an assessment and concluded accepting my new reality was the best course of action.

Below are some journal entries from the following week:

“It's a weird feeling at the moment. It feels like an out of body experience to be honest. I am here in person but I feel so strange and heavy that it is hard to relate to it all.”

“The theme I struggle with most is giving up. But to do this has actually taken courage. Whilst on face value stopping does look like an easy thing to do, yet it is actually the opposite. Its so hard to realise you need to stop”

“Like a train rolling free off the tracks, it takes time to slow down, come to a halt. Then reloading and calibrating the train in the right direction and starting again”

“Every now and then I convince myself that I'm OK. And then I correct myself: no you are not. This battle that still occurs even though I have admitted the biggest truth to myself my partner and my boss that I'm not OK.”

“When I see the GP maybe he will listen to my story and say: you’re ok! You are not burnt out. You don't need time off. I don't believe you. It's almost like this is a dream. When am I going to wake up? When will someone tell me to snap out of it and get on with it?”

After seeing the GP, my fears were proved incorrect. He did believe me and supported me in getting better over the coming month.

My boss at work was amazing, and I will always remember how he responded once this came to light. 100% supportive of me looking after myself and getting my health and wellbeing back on track. In fact, everyone around me was very supportive. Not that I should have been surprised, but in a sense I was.

After 4 weeks of sick leave (like most people, I had a very large amount of this available) I took my Long Service Leave which I had been contemplating taking the following year. This gave me the breathing room to wind down and destress and focus on what was important.

7 weeks was how long it took me to destress and wind down. It was a lot longer than I thought. The constant thinking that you were letting your customers down or your teammates down by not being there was ever present. That you dropped the ball on the big project. That you didn’t follow through on your commitments. These thoughts slowly diminished as the sun rose everyday and the earth continued to spin, and my work was spread across other individuals.

One journal entry reads:

“Once I strip back my work identity, what do I have left?”

That was a poignant question. What I ended up finding was I had a lot left. I rediscovered what was important to me and what I needed to focus in moving towards myself.

I will stop here, as I do want to share with you more what the journey back up was like and the path after burning out at another time.

Thanks for taking the time to read my experience. If you would like to DM me and speak to me more, would be happy to continue to share. Likewise, if you are concerned about yourself or a loved one, don’t be afraid to call your GP and make an appointment.

Dan