Building Social Confidence

Most of us will have had the experience of feeling uncomfortable around others at some point in our lives. Usually it’s the awkwardness of meeting new people at social gatherings. For others it may be the struggle with networking meetings. Some people with more extreme social phobia struggle with the simplest of social interactions.

Those people who lack confidence socially have one thing in common; they all worry about what could go wrong, rather than what could go right. Common fears are “what will people think of me?”, ”will they like me?”, “what have I got to speak about?”, “what if there’s a silence?” and so on. The problem with these thoughts is that they waste time. While you’re worrying about these types of issues you’re not thinking about how to make a social situation go well. 

The problem snowballs when a situation goes badly, and becomes “evidence” that you are not socially confident. The bad experience becomes the reference point, indicating your level of confidence whilst situations that have gone well get forgotten. 

The next thing that happens is you start to avoid social situations, to avoid the discomfort. The problem here is that you also avoid the opportunities to succeed.

There is no quick fix, and no “one size fits all” solution to building social confidence. It’s important to remember confidence is something that comes with practice. You don’t have to be born with it. Also, no one has ever overcome an anxiety by avoiding the thing they fear. If you want to develop social confidence, you have to get out there and be with people. The important thing is to have a plan. The following are some common strategies I use to help people build social confidence and overcome social awkwardness or anxiety.

Lay the Foundations

Before any event, think about what you are prepared to share about yourself. Spend some time before any social situation thinking about what you have been doing that might be relevant to the gathering. If it’s an informal gathering not related to work, think about what you have been doing with your spare time. That might be places you have been, events you have attended, books you’ve read, movies you’ve seen and so on. As you think about them, imagine what you would like to tell others about those activities.

Think about current affairs. If you don’t usually watch the news or sport, it helps to brush up on what’s been going on in the world. You don’t have to have been a part of it to have an opinion. If you don’t feel very knowledgeable about current affairs you might find yourself in a conversation with someone who knows more, and you can use those conversations to find out more about a topic.

Many of my clients tell me that all they do is work and look after their families. They feel boring. I start by digging deeper here. Invariably I find that people have (usually within the last 6 to 12 months) been on a holiday, read a book, been to an event, etc. You don’t have to have been doing something fabulous every day to have something to talk about. 

If life has been a bit dry recently, think about your plans for the future. It could be small things like movies you want to see, or it might be a holiday you are planning.

Do Your Research

Think about who will be there. You might know exactly who will be there, or you might have a rough idea. There might be faces you remember, but have forgotten their names. For all the people you think might be there try to remember when you last saw them, what you last talked about, and what was going on for them at the time. If it’s a work gathering you could also refresh your memory on what they are working on, what their role is, and think about what they might want from you.

If you don’t think you will know anyone there, think about the context. If it’s a friend’s party and you don’t know any of their other friends, there are always conversations to be had about how you each know the host. If it’s a work event, there is the context of the business or industry. If you are joining a new club there’s the context of the club and your previous involvement in that interest.

In this era of social media you can also use social media platforms for research. Look people up and see what they have been up to. You might think this is a bit weird or a bit stalker-ish. However, if people have social media posts in the public domain, they are putting them there for others to see. You looking at them can also be seen as you taking an interest in them. If you do use social media and want to introduce something you’ve seen you can simply start a conversation with “I saw your post about …., “ and use the topic as a starting point to discuss the post more.

Finally, think about what you what to know about other people. Make a list of questions you would like to ask about people, and what they have been doing. Also, think about questions that help you find out more information, once you have opened a topic of conversation.

Physical Preparation

Try to arrive at the event as relaxed as possible. Give yourself time to get there without rushing. Avoid packing too much activity in before a gathering. Try not to drink too much caffeine, and don’t drink too much alcohol or take drugs before an event. Caffeine is more likely to make you feel anxious from the outset. Drugs and alcohol might help you relax before you start, but they prevent you from learning other skills, and building self-confidence.

If it’s a work meeting, let your level of preparation match the formality of the event. A weekly team meeting does not require the same level of preparation as an annual general meeting. It’s almost always OK to not have the answer to everything in a work context. You can always get back to people with answers you don’t have with you in a meeting.

Meeting People

When you are introduced to people try to use their names. This helps strengthen your memory of their name, and reduces anxiety when you meet them again.

Try to start the conversation by asking the people you’re with about themselves. If you’re not feeling comfortable about discussing things about yourself this is a great way to avoid uncomfortable silences. Also, a lot of people are happy to talk about themselves, especially when they are being asked questions. People often come away from those conversations feeling good that someone was interested in them.

If someone gives you a compliment, try to accept it graciously. Many people will fob off compliments, which can leave the person giving the compliment feeling flat. It also reduces the likelihood that you will remember the compliment as another positive thing about yourself.

Debrief

After any social event it’s a good idea to debrief. If you are with friends, a partner, or a work colleague, talk about some of the things that stood out to you. This helps consolidate memories, making them easier to recall later. Also, make notes about who you met and what you spoke about. If it was a work gathering there might also be actions you need to follow up. Making notes is very helpful if you are ever going to see those people again. If you will see them in the future you can review your notes before you see them, making the next conversation easier to start. Writing notes can seem a bit contrived, and a bit like hard work. However, using the strategy of writing is one thing that my clients report is the most effective for them.

One final point relates to how far you push yourself and how quickly. In overcoming anxieties it’s important to build carefully. Create a hierarchy of social situations from least difficult to most difficult. Try to work progressively up the hierarchy step-by-step, not taking another step until you feel reasonably confident with the step you are on. Life, however, doesn’t always work in hierarchies. You might find yourself in a social situation you’re not ready for. If that happens you might feel more anxious again, like you are failing. Remember you’re not failing, you just weren’t ready for that step. Try to get back to your hierarchy as soon as you can.

Dr Simon Kinsella

Director, Clinical Psychologist