From self-reliance to self-compassion

- We've all been taught the idea of self-reliance. Dig deep when things get tough, figure it out yourself and handle challenges on your own. I can think back and definitely hear my dad's voice in some of those self-reliance messages. He hustled hard in his own job, and I think he wanted to pass that on to us, to be tough and capable. And I can remember in particular having, like, a model kidney that we were supposed to create out of clay, and my dad kind of making a point to not help too much. Like, "You need to do this," or "You need to do the research to understand how it should look." And sure, being resourceful matters, but where self-reliance can fuel your effort, it doesn't protect your energy or mindset. Self-compassion does that. Self-reliance proclaims, "I've got this no matter what." Self-compassion says, "I've got this, and I can take care of myself in the process." So one of the ways I've had to learn to talk to myself more compassionately has been when I'm comparing myself to somebody else. And that could be seeing their success online. It could be an announcement they make, and there can be this temptation to say, "Why aren't I farther along?" And I've had to learn to really talk myself through that and say, "Their journey is theirs. My journey is my own." A lot of us think that being hard on ourselves will keep us motivated, but new research shows the opposite. A 2025 study found that when people practice self-compassion, they experienced less stress and more motivation to try again, even when recalling their setbacks. Think of it like this. If a friend was struggling, you wouldn't say, "You're pathetic. Try harder." At least I hope not. You might say, "This is tough, but you've handled challenges before. You'll figure it out." Opening up to self-compassion is about giving yourself that same respect and belief. Let's test this out with a quick reframing exercise. Think of a recent setback. A deadline you failed to meet, an error you missed, even a verbal mess-up in a meeting. Step one, name what happened, without adding judgment. Step two, ask, "What would I say to a friend who just went through this?" Step three, say exactly that to yourself, out loud, if you can. Here's an example. A coaching client of mine froze, then stumbled during a big presentation. Afterwards, the voice in her head was brutal. "You blew it. Everybody knows that you're not ready for this role." Ouch. Then we reframed it. You stumbled, yes, but you regrouped, kept going, and you can plan for next time. You've handled tougher moments before. Do you see how the second approach encourages you to grow through a challenge? That shift, lightening the internal script, keeps you in the game longer. In my life, and the lives of my coaching clients, it's been one of the most transformative shifts for keeping motivated and, honestly, feeling good as you go. So I had this goal that I was really excited by, but also kind of unmotivated to bring into the world, and that was to start a weekly newsletter about confidence. And I thought to myself, "Ugh, it just sounds so hard to write this thing from scratch every single week. How would I ever manage that?" And it wasn't 'til a friend, my friend Eva, who's also a business advisor, said to me, "Selena, what would make this not suck?" That I started to think differently about it, that I said, "Well, hmm, actually having some structure to the newsletter, you know, that was familiar, so I wasn't writing it from scratch each week. You know, maybe including three tips, having an introduction and a close, that would feel doable." That was several years ago, and I'm so glad I did, because it was one of the first things I ever did that went viral. Here's one more suggestion. When a tough moment hits, having a few go-to phrases in your back pocket can turn the whole day around. Here are some I reach for often. "This is tough, but it's temporary and I've overcome worse. I can keep moving." "I can learn from this without tearing myself down, and I'll use this lesson next time." "One mistake doesn't erase all the progress I've made, so let me build on what's working." So one way I'm lightening my own internal script is to make a point to move from that harsh inner critic voice to more of a supportive inner coach. I love having this coach voice in my head. It's a very tall basketball coach, and she's like, "Yes, queen." It's so much more constructive. It's so much more motivating to do the next thing, or the next hard thing, when you have that inner cheerleader, I'm human, and humans get second chances. This is mine to take.