How can you build self-esteem after a setback?

You will continue to experience setbacks as you grow. Failure is a catalyst to growth. Being uncomfortable overtime becomes comfortable because you learn how to navigate and get out of the uncomfortable quicker!

Setbacks are inevitable as long as we are aiming for a goal. Our goals fuel our passion to achieve success and if the path to success was easy it would not be appreciated as much when you reach it. Keep this top of mind and when you experience a setback you will know that it is part of the learning journey and it has happened to provide feedback to you as to how you can improve. Of course there will be disappointment, and with that disappointment comes another chance to do better next time.

Many believe, as do I, that attitude is everything. Because, your attitude is a lot to do with the way you perceive the world and the way the world perceives you. So, don’t ignore the way you feel, but make a commitment to yourself to be positive and leave others better off after you interact with them. Enable yourself and others, be encouraging and empowering even to yourself. Stay away from excuses, condescension or sarcasm (which Lou Tice characterizes as “hostility, safely delivered”). Even when things do not go right and you make a mistake, every situation is an opportunity to make a difference. Own it, understand what you will do differently ‘the next time’, and move on.

1) Be multifaceted so a setback in one area is not as big of a deal. If your primary job stagnates, lean in to the side hustle or a favorite hobby. 2) Surround yourself with people who remind you about your greatness and potential; even better if they mentor, network, and direct you toward better opportunities. 3) Remembering to eat healthy, exercise, sleep well, get a dog, and practice other proven self-care habits is especially important to build back self-esteem.

Prior to acknowledging the emotion, becoming aware of it is essential. Only after recognizing the discomfort, one can acknowledge it. Often, naming the emotion has been beneficial for me. By doing so, the mind momentarily ceases its spiralling, and it is during this spiralling that negative self-talk begins and damages one’s self-confidence.

Controlling negative self-talk is key in building self-esteem. I once heard “people ask for feedback, but really want praise”. It's hard sometimes to hear that we are not performing. It’s understandable to get those feelings, the key is to be honest with yourself and listen to what is being said and learn. Good leaders continually evaluate and will ‘avoid being swayed by flattery or wounded by criticism’. The keys in my mind are that we take the good stuff, celebrate, extend a hand to our teams and peers so they understand they have done well. Take the less fun stuff and truly take a look at what it means, adjust and let it go. Do not carry extra negative weight around when you have already taken the useful.

When you're feeling down and caught in negative thoughts, take a moment to question: "Is it true? Is it truly all as bad as I think?" You might discover that you're exaggerating the situation. Writing down your thoughts can be a helpful tool. When they stay in your mind, they loop endlessly, but putting them on paper can break that cycle.

Oftentimes I ask myself if my best friends or family would agree with the things I think about myself during a rough time. Typically, the answer is no- you are your own worst critic. Do not allow yourself to get wrapped up in negativity.

Your thoughts are your choice. You have control over them. Perhaps not always your first thought but most definitely your subsequent ones. So you can choose to let a setback spiral into self-flagellation or you can decide to reframe & replace with more positive thinking. Perhaps by asking yourself what you've learnt & what you'll do differently next time.

A setback is often a catalyst for something new that is even better than you ever imagined. So ask yourself "what is the gift in this situation? How does this setback actually serve me?" Reframing the situation in this way can move you into a more empowered state of mind, which will help you feel more powerful and boost your self-esteem. My favorite mantra when things go south is "Everything happens FOR me, not to me." Taking this perspective provides an instant empowerment boost and gives your mind access to higher level creativity and problem solving abilities.

There can be multiple types of setbacks in life- projects, goals, relationship with team members, dealing with a tough boss etc. Situational setbacks like not being able to achieve a particular outcome can be dealt with in the following way. 1. Examining the facts that led to the undesirable outcome. They can be within your control and outside of your control. Focussing on the learnings from the factors within your control can lead to a better outcome next time. 2. How you felt when you didn't achieve the outcome emotionally. When you verbalise your emotional state frustrated, scared, helpless, angry or sad it leads to better emotional granularity. Emotional granularity helps in better emotional regulation and performance.

Start to keep a positive qualities diary. We are almost hard wired to only notice our perceived failings and shortcomings, but this exercise forces you to consciously change your thoughts to spot your strengths and talents. Start by making a big, long list of all your positive qualities, strengths, talents etc. If you struggle to think of anything, ask a friend to help. At the end of each day, look back and think of 3 examples of how you have used positive qualities throughout the day. Often people think these things need to be huge, put it can be anything, i.e. I made my colleague a drink, that means I'm a good team player. This reprograms your thoughts and you have a book of examples about how awesome you are.

There is no one way, or one best way. The best way for you to succeed is by utilizing the strengths you already have. Find creative solutions unique to your skillset.

Having a bunch of folks you can talk to about your setback is an extremely valuable resource. Social support and connection to share your achievements and setbacks is highly underrated. Being able to share your thoughts and hearing other people can reduce the sting of the setback. Sharing with the right people is very helpful and well worth the effort to seek out such people.

It’s okay to feel down after a setback, but let the “pity party” be short. Figure out what went wrong and why. Then, get right back to work fixing it or making sure it doesn’t happen again! For lawyers, this might mean get to work on the motion for reconsideration, the motion for a new trial, or laying the groundwork for the appeal. Once, I didn’t get federal aviation regulatory work from a major client because I was told I wasn’t admitted to practice law in Washington DC. It took me eight months, but I got admitted to the DC Bar. Two years after the initial rejection, the same client hired me!

Mark is spot on here! The key is getting back at it. Roll out a new goal or focus more earnestly on a parallel one; no problem is ever the end of the road; no achievement is ever the top of the hill – there is always the next step. Once I was working with a peer, showing him the ropes so to speak, but he got the promotion. It was a real gut punch! After much self-evaluation I concluded I was still worthy and heck, I somewhat helped him in his promotion. I changed course - moved organizations, then sites and within 9 months was promoted. A few years later, promoted again. All the while, turns out relocation did wonders for my personal life and have fully enjoyed the ride.

A key balance in not giving up is not running (changing employers) versus understanding if the current employer does not value you (so doing your craft for another employer is the right move). Hard to do in the moment, but something one must consider.

The best way to build self-esteem after a setback is to rewrite our story around it. Do we want to be a victim, or do we want to use the situation as an opportunity to learn, grow, and decide what is right for ourselves? When we can rewrite the story from a victim/disempowering perspective and look for the gift, it not only makes us feel better (because who wants to wallow in misery), but it also helps to build our resilience muscle and our confidence.

Reframe your thoughts about the experience in a way that helps you learn and draw strength from it. Set backs can make you stronger and build up your self esteem if you choose to have the right mindset about the experience. Some of the most confident people in the world became that way because they faced and thankfully survived a lot more set backs than the average individual. It's definitely not easy to do but that's exactly what gets you strengthened and confident— it is not for the weak. So read books, have conversations, reflect, journal, cry, pray. Do whatever you need to do. But do not let the wrong mindset keep you down.